One devastating news after another. Two people I know just died of the same cause. Heart attack. I was swept completely. One is only 33 years old and another one is 37 years old, my age. Suddenly, a creeping fear got me. What if I die in one of these coming days? They are young and in good health. They don't even smoke. It really puts a question: am I ready to die? If you asked me before these events, I might have said yes. But now...I'm not sure anymore.
This entry and the one before might be very pathetic. But that's what the situation I'm in at the moment. I'm on the verge of giving up everything. There's only a bit of flame lit up in me. The series of the unfortunate misfortunes have been accumulated since the beginning of this year. I've been impulsive and vulnerable. I would go see someone that I felt comfortable with only to find that there's nothing left there. The investment of time, energy and money for nothing. All the way to Europe in winter time (which is not my fave season of all) and found an empty cold bed.... being dumped on the day of arrival. And it happened again just last week in a different continent, different city but same rejection from another beau.
Like a waterfall trickles down in some stairs of hard solid rocks, the misery still not ended. By the time I thought I could enjoy a bit of my time being in Bangkok, another beau told me he's positive. Another wobbly stone I had stepped myself into. It's so sad to learn that one day he will be gone too.
With the pressure of my work, I felt like being left alone fighting. None of my colleagues seem to be aware that the D-Day is coming less than a month. They work hard but still not enough to catch up with my standard. A lightning thought that maybe I should just disappear for a few days to calm myself down. Maybe a trip to Itaewon with lots of alcohol will help me fight the sleepless nights and the nightmares.
Stay - Shakespear's Sisters
If this world is wearing thin
And you're thinking of escape
I'll go anywhere with you
Just wrap me up in chains
But if you try to go alone
Don't think I'll understand
Stay with me
Stay with me
In the silence of your room
In the darkness of your dreams
You must only think of me
There can be no in-between
When your pride is on the floor
I'll make you beg for more
Stay with me
Stay with me
You'd better hope and pray
That you make it safe
Back to your own world
You'd better hope and pray
That you'll wake one day
In your own world
Because when you sleep at night
They don't hear your cries
In your own world
Only time will tell
If you can break the spell
Back in your own world
Spending My Time - Roxette
What's the time, seems it's already morning
I see the sky, it's all beautiful and blue
The t.v's on but the only thing showing is a picture of you
Oh i get up and make myself some coffee
I try to read a book, but sorry's too thin
i thank the Lord above you're not here to see me
and the shape i'm in
Spending my time
Watching the days go by
Feeling so small i stare at the wall
hoping that you think of me too
i'm spending my time
I try to call but i don't know what to tell you
i leave a kiss on your answeringmachine
Oh help me please is there someone here to make me
wake up from this dream
spending my time
watching the sun goes down
i fall a sleep to the sound
of tears of a clown
praying i'm found
i'm spending my time