Where I’m standing right now is a long way to trace back. I’m not saying I’m a big famous person now but more to the extend of a better person. I learned so much from
the people around me,
people who loved me,
people who still love me unconditionally,
people who is still in love with me openly or discreetly,
people who permitted me to love them,
people who are kind to show me what love is,
people whom I loved,
people whom I love unconditionally,
people whom I’m so much in love but never return the love,
people whom I thought I love,
people whom I got a crush on

Whoever they are, I would like to send my biggest deepest gratitude for having crossed my path of life. I’m a lucky bastard, I know.

To ML
Nights of going out, cocktails, laughters, adventures and so much love. You opened my eyes and gave me opportunity to learn so many things. My first experience to gain a self-confidence. You are always there no matter what state I’m in.

To C Lemaire
Classical music entered my world. Those mornings with wonderful breakfast. Those nights with engaging pillow talks.

To DW
The one night stand that never went away. Innocent passionate love. Roses, fab clubbing sequences, shouting fashion statements, endless car trips and a kiss on a bridge.

To J
For the loving and showing me how precious I am. And for showing me how it feels to be loved.

To LT
Those charged nights with loads of booze. For believing in me and helping me through the roughest time of my life.

To XS
One rainy romantic with lust and your lovely smile. For being cuddly and lovable. I always feel this little tinge in my heart for you.

To P
The amazing togetherness and share of the same passion to Cucurucu Paloma and Tango Apasionado

To DB
The most weird, unpredictable mood swing and unromantic man on this planet but I know you care so much.

I Wish You Love!

I wish you bluebirds in the spring

To give your heart a song to sing

And then a kiss, but more than this

I wish you love

And in July a lemonade

To cool you in some leafy glade

I wish you health

But more than wealth

I wish you love

My breaking heart and I agree

That you and I could never be

So with my best

My very best

I set you free

I wish you shelter from the storm

A cozy fire to keep you warm

But most of all when snowflakes fall

I wish you love

But most of all when snowflakes fall

I wish you love

I wish you love

One devastating news after another. Two people I know just died of the same cause. Heart attack. I was swept completely. One is only 33 years old and another one is 37 years old, my age. Suddenly, a creeping fear got me. What if I die in one of these coming days? They are young and in good health. They don't even smoke. It really puts a question: am I ready to die? If you asked me before these events, I might have said yes. But now...I'm not sure anymore.

This entry and the one before might be very pathetic. But that's what the situation I'm in at the moment. I'm on the verge of giving up everything. There's only a bit of flame lit up in me. The series of the unfortunate misfortunes have been accumulated since the beginning of this year. I've been impulsive and vulnerable. I would go see someone that I felt comfortable with only to find that there's nothing left there. The investment of time, energy and money for nothing. All the way to Europe in winter time (which is not my fave season of all) and found an empty cold bed.... being dumped on the day of arrival. And it happened again just last week in a different continent, different city but same rejection from another beau.

Like a waterfall trickles down in some stairs of hard solid rocks, the misery still not ended. By the time I thought I could enjoy a bit of my time being in Bangkok, another beau told me he's positive. Another wobbly stone I had stepped myself into. It's so sad to learn that one day he will be gone too. 

With the pressure of my work, I felt like being left alone fighting. None of my colleagues seem to be aware that the D-Day is coming less than a month. They work hard but still not enough to catch up with my standard. A lightning thought that maybe I should just disappear for a few days to calm myself down. Maybe a trip to Itaewon with lots of alcohol will help me fight the sleepless nights and the nightmares.

Stay - Shakespear's Sisters

If this world is wearing thin
And you're thinking of escape
I'll go anywhere with you
Just wrap me up in chains
But if you try to go alone
Don't think I'll understand

Stay with me
Stay with me

In the silence of your room
In the darkness of your dreams
You must only think of me
There can be no in-between
When your pride is on the floor
I'll make you beg for more

Stay with me
Stay with me

You'd better hope and pray
That you make it safe
Back to your own world
You'd better hope and pray
That you'll wake one day
In your own world

Because when you sleep at night
They don't hear your cries
In your own world
Only time will tell
If you can break the spell
Back in your own world

Spending My Time - Roxette

What's the time, seems it's already morning
I see the sky, it's all beautiful and blue
The t.v's on but the only thing showing is a picture of you

Oh i get up and make myself some coffee
I try to read a book, but sorry's too thin
i thank the Lord above you're not here to see me
and the shape i'm in

Spending my time
Watching the days go by
Feeling so small i stare at the wall
hoping that you think of me too
i'm spending my time

I try to call but i don't know what to tell you
i leave a kiss on your answeringmachine
Oh help me please is there someone here to make me
wake up from this dream

spending my time
watching the sun goes down
i fall a sleep to the sound
of tears of a clown
praying i'm found
i'm spending my time

Until 5 years ago, my Mum kept asking me why I wasn't seeing someone or settling down. I kept asking the very same question myself. The last 5 years, My Mum has ceased down and so did myself. Then, almost everybody I met asked me the same question again since last year.

So, after the giving in some really deep thought, I wrote down the plus and minus of having a steady relationship and I came to a conclusion: I'm happily single at the moment.

Here are some reasons and advantages being single at the moment:

1. Freedom
I know that being in a relationship doesn't mean you are not free. But here it is more the real essence of it. I can make a decision career or personal wise without having to consult or consider my partner's situation. I feel so much easier to decide whether I want to travel or not, when to take my holiday or not, or when and where to have dinner.

2. The art of flirting
As I wasn't jumping directly into a relationship when I came out, I of course rumble around and did lots of cruising. A look in the eye, a gesture, an invitation of a smile, and the adrenalin of feeling someone new's skin are always exciting. I never believe that you can be faithful to just one person. I think it's a nature of a man either he is gay or not. Men just screws around. It will happen sooner or later. With my first boyfriend, we both believe that we couldn't be faithful to each other. so the flirting part was still allowed. So, I really enjoy still having this privilege to be able to flirt in bars or clubs.

3. Dramaless Life and No Repressed Emotions
That's more or less true. I know it can be nice to talk over a problem to your partner but also the potential drama can come from your partner. Especially if you live together, there are always these small things that annoy you. This is of course not always true. I'm more talking from the negative point of you.

4. Be my very own self
In a relationship, you tend to please your partner. You try to be the man that your partner wants you to be. Whether consciously or unconsciously. Then you are not your true self anymore.

5. The After Taste
I do believe there are some long lasting relationships (especially the ones that was built up in the 70's and 80's). But nowadays, I can see couples breaking up everywhere. It drags for months or even years or even the wounds never really closed up. I had some wonderful relationships before and I'm grateful for it. (Thanks D and thanks J for making who I am today). I just don't feel like going through it again one more time.

I'm saying all this because I have experienced both. I enjoyed both. But for now, I'm pretty happy on my own. Besides, you never know when your prince charming appears right in front of you. I'm not looking for him but if he do appears, you can't reject the power of this big thing called L.